Love yourself. I can imagine many of you cringing at those two words. People have no problem giving themselves a hard time, but rarely do they love themselves. Can you relate? If you’re here reading, I’m willing to bet you have the same problem.
There can be many causes for a lack of self-compassion.
Some people think having a tough self-critic will push them to be more productive and driven. Others feel compassion towards themselves is weak, self-indulgent, and selfish. Low self-esteem, confidence, and setting unrealistic standards can also contribute.
But whatever you believe about yourself, know that you can change it.
How do I know? Because I also used to undermine my own self-worth. But I took positive action to change the way I think and act. Do I “love” myself now? Love is indeed a strong word, but I’m much kinder, forgiving, and understanding towards who I am.
In this post, I’ll discuss what worked well for me, in the hope it can do the same for you. Let’s explore this together.
Become More Self-Aware
When I began my own journey of personal growth, I stumbled upon The Self-Compassion App by Chris Irons. I suspected I had a problem with being too harsh on myself, but boy, I had no idea how bad it was. On the app’s questionnaire, I scored 2/10 for self-compassion.
I was shocked. I never imagined it was such a massive problem. But upon reflection, it was true. I had little regard or empathy for myself, which had dire consequences. However, once I became aware about my lack of compassion, I took steps to make transformative change.
You can do the same.
Become aware of how you treat yourself. Notice your inner dialogue. Observe the negative, self-critical, and destructive thoughts that come with it, without judgement. Don’t get entangled in them. What’s the best way to do this?
Practice mindfulness to develop awareness of your body, mind, and habitual thoughts. Then start to change how you act towards yourself.
Let’s look at a powerful exercise that can help you to do that.
Create Your Compassionate Self
One of my favourite exercises from Chris Iron’s app, was to create your own compassionate self. What do I mean by that? Let’s run through it together. Use your imagination to picture either a being, entity, animal, or a better version of yourself.
Whatever works well for you. Make sure you can resonate and relate with your choice. Have something in mind? Your compassionate self will also possess three important qualities. They should be:
- Wise: Able to approach obstacles, challenges, and make decisions with knowledge, wisdom, and clarity.
- Strong: They can be resilient, tough, and powerful, no matter what’s going on.
- Caring: Your compassionate self cares for you. They’re forgiving, empathetic, and kind towards your struggles, insecurities, and difficulties.
Now develop them further. How do they carry themselves? Envisage how your compassionate self talks, walks, and acts. Mine was calm, noble, and confident. He was also both physically and mentally strong, which motivated me to be like him.
So, what’s yours like? Do you have a clear image in your head?
Now, whenever life gets difficult and things go wrong, use your compassionate self. If someone hurts you, use your compassionate self. When your inner voice is hard and unkind, you guessed it, use your compassionate self.
Ask how they would approach the situation with wisdom, strength, and care.
This give you a new perspective on yourself and the world around you. Which is what happened to me. Not only that, but I started to act like my compassionate self without having to think about it.
Why not try this exercise and see if it can do the same for you?
“Having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness.”
– Kristen Neff
Change Your Inner Voice
Our inner critics can put us down, shatter our confidence, and make us want to crawl into a hole. As a self-confessed perfectionist, I used to fall into the perfectionism trap all the time. I’d set unrealistic standards and fail to meet them.
Then I’d blame and berate myself for not being good enough. This destroyed my confidence, leading me to procrastinate, as I feared to try again. My self-critic was out of control and ruining my life. Sadly, this is common.
So, what can you do about it?
Change your inner voice.
Is that even possible? Absolutely. Imagine yourself talking to a friend, loved one, or child. How would you speak to them? I’m guessing with love and kindness. Do the same for you. Make your inner dialogue work FOR you.
Transform it to be a positive driving force. One that supports, encourages, and motivates you.
You can also use metta phrases such as “may I be well, happy, and peaceful”. Or “may I be free from suffering”. If you’re not a fan of these ones, be creative and come up with your own. Using affirmations is another great way to create a shift in your tone.
I use an app that generates one per day, such as “I’m resilient”, “I deserve happiness”, and so on. It might feel strange at first. But overtime you can resonate with the positivity and encouragement. The more you read them, the more you believe them.
Put in the work and you will be able to transform your inner voice.
Treat Yourself
Cultivating self-compassion takes time. It can also feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. So, if the previous exercises were difficult to connect with, I want you to start small. That way you can build it up.
Start by treating yourself. Think about what gives you pleasure and relaxes you. Run a bath. Book a spa day. Have a solo movie night with snacks and your favourite drink. Or buy yourself a gift. An item or product you’ve always wanted.
Is there something you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Such as seeing a new country. Learning a skill. Taking up a new hobby. Or maybe you’d like to reconnect with a friend or loved one. Whatever it is, make it happen.
Ask “what can I do to be kind to myself this week?”.
Write down a list of ideas if you can. Plan them out. Dedicate some quality time for yourself. You deserve it. This is a gradual way to introduce self-compassion, without doing anything that feels alien.
Treat yourself like your best friend, partner, or loved one. Then overtime, see if you can build your self-compassion further.
“Self-care is how you take your power back.”
– Lalah Delia
Celebrate Your Accomplishments
One reason people struggle to be self-compassionate, is because they lack self-esteem. Which can cause them to feel like they haven’t done anything worthwhile in their lives. But often when people are encouraged to reflect, that proves to not be the case.
So, it’s time for another exercise, called The Cookie Jar. And sadly, no, it doesn’t involve cookies… Sorry to disappoint. This one comes from former marine and accomplished athlete David Goggins.
Here’s how to do it.
Grab a pen and some paper. Write down a list of all you have accomplished. Not just the successes, but everything you’ve been through. List the goals you’ve achieved. Include the obstacles and challenges you’ve overcome.
That could be what you’ve earned with hard work and sacrifice. The personal difficulties you’ve gotten through with grit and determination. Or what you’ve learned and changed about yourself. Whatever you’re proud of, write it down. Reflect fully on how well you did on each accomplishment.
Next, cut them all out separately. Either fold or scrunch the pieces of paper and put them in an empty jar.
Now, whenever you’re feeling low, deflated, and lacking in self-belief, take out a piece of paper. Unfold it. Read it out and be proud of yourself. Relish your strength, accomplishments, and all you’ve been through.
This was an exercise that benefited me a lot when I was at my lowest in life. I hope it can do the same for you.
Seek Help from a Therapist
Trying to be self-compassionate can be difficult, especially without any guidance or support. On top of that, the reason you lack self-compassion could be complicated. It may relate to painful childhood experiences involving your caregivers, peers, or teachers.
If you did suffer from any kind of abuse, neglect, or bullying, then these issues are deep rooted. Which means they can be challenging to explore. And doing so may release unexpected trapped emotions and trauma.
Seeking support from a compassionate and experienced therapist can be a wise choice. They can help you to explore the past and process your pain in a safe way. Whilst giving you the space to learn and uncover more about yourself.
I’ve seen a therapist twice in my life. I was lucky to have found one who was genuine, kind, and reassuring. He guided and supported me to process my own trapped emotions, that I had been suppressing for years.
It can seem scary and intimidating to seek help at first. But if you find the right therapist for you, it could be one of the best decisions you ever made. Don’t hesitate to browse around. Use websites like Counselling Directory to find accredited professionals.
Ask about their experience. Some therapists offer the first session free. So, consider speaking to more than one to see who you relate best with.
“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.”
― Pema Chödrön
You Can Cultivate Self-Compassion
There are many ways to cultivate self-compassion. In this post I listed the ones that helped me, with the hope they may do the same for you. Ultimately, being hard on yourself is not sustainable. It can impact your mental health and wellbeing.
But now you know some ways to be compassionate towards yourself. Why not try them out? See how far you get.
Phew, that was a long read!
Let’s recap the main points.
Developing self-awareness allows you to observe your negative self-talk and habitual thinking. Without becoming entangled in it. Developing a compassionate self, allows you to embody a different mindset. One with wisdom, strength, and a caring nature, that can guide you through difficulty.
Changing your inner voice allows you to shift its tone. From a harsh self critic, to a kind, encouraging, and supportive driving force. Taking the time to treat yourself is a great way to build up self-compassion slowly. And self-care is essential to keep yourself feeling nurtured.
Celebrating your accomplishments builds your confidence and self-worth. Finally, speaking to a therapist can be invaluable. They can help you to explore the past, process your pain, and uncover deeper insights.
Cultivating self-compassion is a gradual and ongoing process. It takes time.
Be patient and gentle with yourself. As you direct a deeper sense of love and acceptance inwards, its effects can ripple. You’ll gain a deeper understanding of suffering in the world. Allowing you to be more compassionate to others.
Why not start today? Take positive action and pick one suggestion from above.
Did you enjoy this post? I’d love to hear your opinion in the comments.
Take care of yourselves,
Chris from Mindful Way to be
