Are you too hard on yourself? Always criticising, berating, and placing blame when things go wrong? This is a problem I can relate to. I used to suffer from an inner self-critic that was far too harsh and unforgiving. It paralysed my own confidence and motivation, causing me to feel low and worthless.
This is all too common in today’s society.
Many people struggle to be kind and encouraging to themselves. Which seems odd. Why do our own minds often work against us, rather than for us? Why are we so hard on ourselves when it causes more harm than good?
Well, in this post, I’ll explain the reasons why, and what you can do about it.
Let’s get to it.
You’re Setting Unrealistic Standards
In 2020, during the pandemic, I decided to take up a new hobby. Guitar refurbishment work. 1) Because I wanted to build my own guitars. 2) I thought it would serve as a side income, as I was unemployed during that time.
I bought all the tools I needed and invested a lot of time and energy into learning the craft.
From the get-go my own perfectionism caused me a lot of grief. The standards I put upon myself were ridiculous. I expected to be doing “perfect” intricate work, that required years of skill and practice.
I soon realised I had been setting unrealistic standards for years. And when I didn’t meet them, I would criticise and blame myself. Causing me to feel deflated, low in confidence, and scared to try again.
It was paralysing.
An INSANE way to go about things.
My question to you is “are you doing the same thing?”. If so, you need to re-evaluate your own goals. Make them Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. These are known as SMART goals and should help you to redefine a realistic approach to anything you do.
The next time you blame yourself for not succeeding, ask “were my standards unrealistic and unattainable?”.
Your Comparing Yourself to Others
We all compare ourselves to others. Our wealth, looks, success, what we own, the kind of life we lead, it’s all on the table. But should it be? Making comparisons can be helpful at times. It’s a way to discover your likes and dislikes. Find your place in the world. And decide what kind of a person you want to be.
But doing it all the time can be crippling. You’ll shatter your confidence as you focus on all the things you don’t have. Reaffirming the belief that you’re not good enough. Causing your inner voice to belittle you.
Social media amplifies this problem.
It gives us insights into people’s success, how they dress, look, and live. This is complete overload for our poor brains. And the cause of many mental health issues for younger people.
So, what can you do?
Two things:
- Remember that there will always be somebody more attractive, successful, and wealthier than you.
So, focus on personal development and growth instead. Only compare yourself with who you were yesterday. Aim to be better than your past self and no one else. This is a much healthier comparison to make.
- People on social media often portray their life and appearance in unrealistic ways.
This is no secret. Camera angles, filters, and lighting all change how people look. People also usually post about the best part of their lives. Rather than their struggles and insecurities. So, keep in mind that those who you follow are only human.
Work to limit your social media usage and cultivate gratitude. This helps to shift your focus towards the positive things you do have in your life. Try it now. Write down three things you’re grateful for.
“The only one you should compare yourself to is you. Your mission is to become better today than you were yesterday.”
― John C. Maxwell
You Lack Self-Worth
Lacking self-worth means you lack self-compassion. If that sounds familiar, it’s likely that you haven’t found contentment in who you are. You don’t value yourself, but you should. You deserve happiness. That’s all most people want in life. To feel loved and to be free from suffering.
The causes of low self-worth and self-esteem could be deep rooted. Stemming from early childhood experiences. Perhaps you were bullied. Put down by your care givers, teachers, or other role models in your life.
Trauma, abuse, toxic work environments, cultural, and religious beliefs are also culprits.
These are all complicated and sensitive issues. Ones that need to be handed with delicacy and care. If you suffered or are currently enduring any of the above, seek help. Speak to those you trust, such as your close friends and loved ones.
I’d also recommend speaking to an experienced therapist or counsellor. I’ve seen one twice in my life, which is what inspired me to train to become one. When at my lowest, my counsellor supported and guided me through my own internal struggles.
It was one of the best decisions I ever made.
Talking through any kind of problems with a counsellor is invaluable for many. As they are a neutral, none-judgmental ear. Someone who can listen and help you to work through your issues. Just be sure to take your time when choosing someone.
Find the right one for you and see where it goes.
You Fear Failure
Do you fear failure? Many people view it as a big scary word. It’s a common fear to have due to societal pressure, but it can paralyse you. For some, they will procrastinate to avoid the chances of failure occurring.
Or when they do build the courage to try and fail anyway, their inner self-critic will berate them. Placing blame on all their shortcomings. Sound familiar? Well, I used to be exactly the same.
I already spoke about the unrealistic expectations I put upon myself earlier. And how when I didn’t meet them, I viewed that as a failure. Causing me to even procrastinate the things I enjoyed doing. But once I was aware of this endless cycle, I took steps to change it.
What also helped, was changing my perspective on failure.
Let me explain how.
Since the dawn of mankind, we learned through trial and error. Attempting to hunt, build, and survive better. Only to fail, learn, and then try again. Each time we improved. We developed tools and traps to hunt more efficiently. Built safer, stronger, and more resilient shelters.
And look at where that’s gotten us. Skyscrapers, advance technology, health care that has increased our life expectancy. We did it all through trial and error. There’s no way to learn and progress without failure. Realise this and change your perspective.
Failure = opportunity.
Failure is a learning experience. It teaches you how to try again with more strength, wisdom, and clarity. So, don’t fear failure. Embrace it.
“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”
― Paulo Coelho
You View of Self-Compassion is Warped
Many people shudder at the thought of being kind towards themselves. Why? Usually because they have a warped perspective about compassion and what it means. Let’s look at the following reasons, one by one, and debunk them.
- Self-compassion is weak.
There are those who believe that being hard on themselves is necessary for success. Thinking they need to be relentless, unforgiving, and keep the pressure on. Otherwise, they’ll become lazy or fall behind. Are you one of these people? If so, how’s that going?
Maybe it works for you, but I believe there is a healthy balance. It’s true, if you give in to procrastination and excuses, you could develop lazy habits. But if you’re too hard on yourself, you can crush your own self-worth even further.
What’s the answer? Be firm and compassionate.
Find the middle way.
I know that’s easier said than done, but it’s possible. Work on holding yourself accountable, whilst being kind and supportive. In my post How to be Compassionate Towards Yourself, I provide an exercise where you create your own compassionate self.
This should help, so please feel free to try it. And remember it’s not weak to be self-compassionate, it takes courage, effort, and strength.
- Self-compassion is indulgent.
This belief may also stem from a lack of self-worth. Your upbringing, cultural, and societal influences can also play a role. So, challenge your beliefs about self-compassion. And question the cost and benefit of continuing to be too hard on yourself.
Make Your Mind Work for You
Being too hard on yourself has many causes and can have dire consequences. Not only on your confidence, self-worth, and motivation, but it can impact your mental health and wellbeing. Leading to fatigue, burnout, anxiety, and depression.
If you feel like this is happening to you, ask yourself “is it worth it?”.
Well, it doesn’t have to stay that way.
I’ve outlined the potential reasons you’re too hard on yourself. And suggested some ways to make changes. So, now you have the awareness and knowledge. You also have the power within yourself to transform your mind.
Take positive action to break free from this pattern. Learn to use your mind as a tool. Make it work for you, rather than against you.
Set realistic goals and avoid unhealthy comparisons. Seek help to develop more self-worth. Embrace your failures as opportunities. A chance to learn, grow, and develop. Challenge your misconceptions about self-compassion. And remember, treating yourself with kindness is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Did this post inspire you to cultivate compassion, understanding, and patience towards yourself? I’d love to hear your feedback in the comments.
Take care of yourselves,
Chris from Mindful Way to Be
